Some things I want back

Darren, Rhea, Me and Marija after the performance

Tonight I was searching through some old VHS tapes for some old videos. I'm looking for this old video of me in 1993 taken at the closing performance for drama camp. I went through all the ones I had and I couldn't find it. I guess it must still be back home. I'll have to remember to scour the VHS tape drawer when I'm home.

It's a video of my monologue that year. I performed a piece from Voices from the highschool.

I remember during lunch breaks Rhea and I would walk around singing songs from musicals. I think Phantom was our favourite. We just liked to goof off. It wasn't that I thought I could sing, I'm under no illusions. Well Rudy, the camp director, overheard us and I guess it gave him an idea for something for me to do in the final performance.

He gave me a short bit about Ellen, a girl in highschool cleaning up the house after her parents had a drunken party the night before. It's funny to read it now. I could actually relate to some of it but I never made the connection before. Wish I had it might have meant a better performance.

I was scared to death to perform it. As part of it I had to sing acapella. When Rudy asked me if I'd be willing to do a skit on my own he mentioned I would have to sing. He of course never mentioned the bit about having to sing without music. Then again, I didn't ask either. I stupidly assumed I would have to have some sort of music.

I can't remember the exact moment in which he told me that I wouldn't have music. I spent enough time agonizing over whether or not I would do the skit at first and then I agonized over what I would sing. Singing in front of a crowd alone terrified me. Actually I think knowing my parents were in the audience was much more terrifying. Mom never understood my interest in the theatre and never took it seriously. As a result I always felt she was sitting in the audience taking notes on all the things I was doing wrong and judging every move I made.

By the day of the performance I had worked myself up into one of the worst cases of stage fright I had ever had. I just wanted to get it over with. I didn't look forward to it at all. In fact, if anyone else could have felt what I did that night they would have thought I was going in front of a firing squad.

The great thing about the other cast members was that everyone was really supportive. It didn't help much though. I always knew I wasn't as good as they were. They could all do comedy and I lacked the ability to do anything remotely funny without laughing hysterically myself. That kind of ruins the illusion that as an actor you try and create.

I thought that I could dramatic work but being teenagers and kids the group wasn't terribly interested in drama. They were all about the comedy and they were really good at it.

In my last year of drama camp Rudy told me not to be in awe of anyone. I'm not sure that I was ever able to take his advice.

I performed the skit about Ellen and I sang Baby, Baby by Amy Grant acapella. I got through it but I don't think I did a very good job. I remember I forgot a line. I don't remember which one it was anymore. I was just glad when it was over because I felt like I had accomplished something. I felt like the whole group was with me while I performed even though I stood up there alone.

It's pretty much a perfect analogy for my life. In difficult situations I've found people around me but they are always at a distance and I'm always ultimately, standing alone. You get pretty good at holding yourself up because you have no choice.

After I skimmed through a tape I made for Craig for his 19th birthday I found a slideshow I must have made two years later. It's bizarre because I feel so separate from those memories most of the time but watching those photos cross the screen to the music of the time I felt like I was back there again. It's weird how music can transport you like that.

I pulled out my oldest photo album and I found myself looking at this photo of Becky and me dressed up for our Gr 12 grad dance. I see myself and I wish I had that person back. She was a lot thinner, prettier and smarter than I ever gave her credit for.

I wish I could be her without all the crap that has built up in between then and now. I want to erase a whole bunch of stupid things I did since then. I know that people say that would change who I am now but I honestly believe I had a lot more figured out then than I do now. If I had held to what I believed when I was 18 I wouldn't be where I am now. I would probably still be alone but at least I wouldn't have regretted giving in.

I gave in to a lot of people and things I wouldn't have done if I had stayed that girl. She was smarter and I feel dumber now than I did when I was 18.